question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
