I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
