sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
