Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
