my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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