My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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