she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
