Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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