is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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