Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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