Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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