I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
