I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the condom got lost in my hair
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is Oprah even human
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize