somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
