there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
