what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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