i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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