Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
