WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
