Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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