well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
