mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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