Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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