I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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