Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
