my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
