My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize