i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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