I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
