me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
