A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
