Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
