you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
