I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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