Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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