the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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