i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
