I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
