Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
