I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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