My friends, they love my intelligence
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Randomize
