you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
