so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
