I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
