Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
