I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
