a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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