Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
