i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
