I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
