How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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