you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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