remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Two words: nipple clamps
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