Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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