All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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