Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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