We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
