i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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