JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
