I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
