we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
